To Really Feel

I'm an emotional wreck this week, which is strange cause I've been feeling SO good the past few weeks. Funny how it all can flip so quickly.

I love to blog (although I don't keep up with my own). I love finding blogs that are full of inspiration, hope, enthusiasm for life, and that leave me feeling so much more free and creative than I was before I read them. I am on a path of transformation in my life right now and I've come to count on these people, these blogs, to continue pushing me in the right direction.

I just found this blog and the tears rolled freely as I asked God what He has done with my life? I will soon have a little being in my arms and I know, I just KNOW, the world in which I live will be long gone. Everything will change. BTK and I have no idea what this is going to mean for us and we won't know until we see "it" and cradle "it" in our arms. But I can FEEL the change coming...I KNOW it is on its way.

The tears are COMFORTABLE tears. They are SCARED tears. They are tears of longing and hope and worry. They represent the shaky ground I've been walking upon for so long.

I would be inclined to say that an emotionally charged week isn't the best, but why shouldn't I embrace it? Who is to say that a mountain of instability makes a bad week? God gave us feelings, an entire spectrum of feelings, and he intends for us to feel them. A week like the one I'm having makes me think, I mean really think, about my life and my actions and where I've been and where I'm headed. Yes, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this week, but I'm going to embrace it and revel in it...because next week I might just go back to only feeling good.

"Needs"

So, my due date is November 16th and I'm constantly being reminded that I need to start "preparing" for this baby's arrival. We need to prepare sleeping quarters, get registered, learn how to care for our newborn, learn how to give birth, learn how to breastfeed, prepare our dogs...take classes, buy products...the list seems to go on and on. The fact is, I haven't even once walked through the baby section at Target. I haven't opened my bag-of-goodies from the doctor to page through the magazines full of products. I haven't perused the web for furniture for the bedroom. Am I behind the eightball? Do I not care about the needs of our child? Am I not taking this seriously enough?

The answer to all of these questions is "No, of course not".

So, you might ask, what have I been thinking about?

I have been thinking about "needs" in a different sense.

Our child will need:


Courage to stand up for itself.
Respect for the adults in its life.
Empathy for its best friends tears.
A sense of Self-Worth to carry it through challenging times.
Belief in itself to be able to try new things.
Faith in God when all else seems to fail.
Self-Confidence in order not to have to follow the crowd.
Humor in order to laugh, and laugh often.
Understanding, in order to accept all walks of life.
Patience, for all good things come to those who wait!

And as far as I know, I can't find these things at Target or in the magazines...but BTK and I are responsible for each and every one. And I can't stop thinking about those things...and so much more...for those are the things that matter and that add substance to a persons life.

And for all of you out there who think that I'm a bit crazy...don't worry your pretty heads, I promise we'll register soon :)

The Forbidden Word

Our lives are busy. Too busy. I've come to dislike using the word "busy", but I'm not sure how to get around it lately.

BTK and I are trying to save each other from sinking too fast. We can't keep up with what life is handing us right now, so we've resorted to little pushes here and there (when our paths cross) to let the other know we are behind 'em. It's working so far...

But we are both looking forward to that window...the one that will open to let some air in. The one that will let us breathe again. The one that we can climb through and find a quiet place to meditate, together.

We are surviving, and we aren't complaining (well, he's not), but we both know that this isn't how we prefer to live our lives. We prefer a slower pace; time with which to work.

This picture is what I look like today. I look pregnant and I feel that way too :)


On a lighter note, Chuck killed a rabbit yesterday. He broke its leg and let it bleed to death. BTK buried it in the backyard.

And an even lighter note, I have a midterm in Biomedical Ethics today.

Ultrasound

Ultrasound was quite spectacular! Turns out our baby looks exactly like everyone else's baby up on that screen ;) Seriously though, it has two arms and two legs and a brain and four heart chambers, so it looks as if it's gonna be as normal as can be...that is, until Ben and I get our hands on it! Which, incidentally, will be in about 18 weeks...taking us to November 16th, give or take two weeks. It will be a boy or a girl, and when I mentioned to Ben how normal it will be he considered the fact that it could very well have webbed feet. Cause, you know, you can't really tell on the ultrasound if that is the case or not. Something to look forward to, I suppose.

I'm feeling pretty good, considering all the changes my body continually makes. The baby weighs 1 lb. at this point, which is confusing to me cause I've gained about 14lbs. What gives? Despite my growing belly and my inability to zip/button my pants, I continue to leave most maternity clothes in the bags they were brought home in. And our home seems to get messier and messier, and I'm wondering when this "nesting" thing is going to kick in? Is that something that is just going to inherently happen, or is that a self-motivated task?

Anyhoodles, things are going well and Ben and I are happy as clams and we'll keep you posted as things progress!

Summer School Fun!

I graduated with a BA from WMU in '01, after 3.5 years of attending.

I've been attending WMU once again for the past two-ish years.

I just had 7 weeks off from school.

I'm back today and needed to buy a book for my class.

I couldn't find the bookstore and ended up having to ask for directions!

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Isn't it funny how the constant snapping of gum can irritate and distract you more than a conversation between people who are actually sitting closer?

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We are headed on Wednesday to the Docs office for the first ultrasound (20 weeks), where we will not be finding out the gender of the baby.