My Definition

Being faced with this most recent challenge has brought quite a bit of other crap with it. I've found myself questioning who I am and how I am and why I am this way. What defines me? What is my definition? And most importantly, what do I need to change?

I am an early bird, always have been. Always. I bite my cuticles, not my fingernails. When I get worked up, anxious, uncomfortable, it shows itself on my skin in the form of blotchy red/pink marks. I am still embarrassed when it happens. I find mint very refreshing, and delicious when paired with chocolate. I find that watching planes taking off and landing brings me to a nice level of calmness. Rainbows, Lake Michigan, and wine can have that same effect on my mood. I am happiest when my husband shows me affection. I find it difficult to focus when I study. I'm starting to wonder if I'm one of those people who talks a lot about something, starts to pursue it, and then is too afraid to finish it. I truly believe I'm addicted to sugar. I find mediocrity comfortable, but undesirable. I like to run on trails, through wooded areas. I am a complainer. I hold a strong interest in nutrition. I don't make time for reading or writing, though I enjoy them very much. I'm wishy washy (i.e. indecisive). I do not litter. I care about our mother earth. But I don't always pick up trash wherever I see it (that would be a big job). I have a relationship with God, though it could be stronger. I find comfort in cleaning. I like to dance. I am good at cleaning... I mean, really good. I learned everything I know about cleaning from my parents.


I could go on. I won't.


So, a couple of months ago, I started thinking about what I'd want people to say about me once I'm gone. I'd want there to be more substance than what's in the previously stated paragraph, that's for sure. A couple things I'd like to adapt to would be benevolence and graciousness. I'd want my loved ones to remember me as someone who gave, not needed. And I'd want them to also think of me as having a friendly, pleasant disposition, not unpredictable and moody.


What do I need to change? And a bigger question is, can I change? Or, will I change? How many of us really strive to be better people than we were yesterday? I'm not saying that it is possible to make these changes overnight. But it doesn't hurt to start thinking about what defines me and what I'd like to change. When I spend time with other people, I can't help but to notice their most prevailing character traits. This must mean that they notice mine. How could you not notice a person's character while spending time with them? This is what makes and breaks relationships, right? I know it's not that black and white, but you get what I'm saying. So, I ask myself again, who am I?, how am I?, what defines me?, and what do I need to change?