Fabulously Frantic Moment

I just had the biggest charge of emotion! How do we even manage to go on, day to day, with all of this stress!

The department head of the Dietetics Program came in to discuss the internship application process with us. I was feeling just fine until she asked to see a show of hands of those who would be applying in February. There are about thirty in the class and I think twenty-seven hands went up. Those that didn't were the prof, the department head, and mine. That is an exaggeration, but almost accurate. So, I started thinking about trying to push my way into the class that apparently has no room for me... and not taking no for an answer. I could tell her that it will push me back an entire year if she doesn't let me in and beg and plead. I'm generally not a desperate person, but I bet I could act the part. So then, what if she lets me in?? That would mean starting four weeks into the semester... isn't the first exam about four weeks in?? It would mean more books and cutting back on work and needing to start applying for internships. I was fine with how things were until about an hour and a half ago. My, how things change. I started thinking about Ben and money and what if we get pregnant again and what if we miscarry again and what if we can't get pregnant again and my time in the car and travel expenses and working at night and all of these things... which were all okay until an hour and a half ago. So then I visited my blog and read jamies comment and it was about worrying about today and not worrying about tomorrow for their are enough troubles today... or something like that and I AM worrying about my troubles today... my troubles today are stressing about tomorrow!!! Ugh! When I read her comment it was like a collision of easy and difficult and they fought for many seconds during which tears came to my eyes and when I realized what was happening (this battle in my head) I took a deep breath and settled myself. And then I had the want, this need to talk to someone... to scream and cry about how difficult it all is for me!

When really, it isn't difficult. It is what it is and I make it difficult. And I exhaust myself thinking about it. And I'm sure I exhaust readers with it. The fact is, I'm in a completely different place than those other students. We have different reasons for being there and different lifestyles and we will all finish at our own rate.

I have a friend who is a grad assistant in the program here. I have emailed her to set up a time to meet. She helps with the class that I'm not in and I'm sure she'd be direct with me on whether or not it is realistic to try to get into that class. She can tell me how far behind I'd be if I started now.

Whatever happens, happens. It'll all be just fine, I'm sure=)