I used to have a number of different titles...Student, Server, Potential Dietitian, Researcher, Wife, Writer, Volunteer, Reader, Runner, Pack Leader, Lover, Toilet Scrubber, Errand Runner, Dreamer, Su Doku Solver, Landscaper, Dancer, Wellness Seeker, Fridge Filler, Dinner Party Hostess, Coffee Shop Frequenter, Friendly Neighbor, Best Damned Housekeeper Ever, Wine Drinker, and sometimes I even called myself a Friend. But now I'm Mom, and all those other titles are either MIA or barely hangin' on. But they all linger in my memory and lately it's as if they've formed an alliance in the shape of an anvil and they are bearing down on my very being. I'm trapped underneath, writhing, and I want to shout, "I'm a Mom now, so BACK OFF...can't you see I have more important fish to fry!!" Incidentally, I don't think fish should ever be fried.
So yeah, pressure. You wouldn't believe the pressure. I feel like I'm so behind and I'll never get to all those other things that used to grossly devour my attention. I want them back. I want to make some room, but I'm having trouble finding it.
The bright side? Is there one? Yes, absolutely. The bright side of this is that while I'm writhing underneath that anvil of lost priorities, I'm simultaneously protecting our precious babe. He's such a wonder. And so incredibly sweet. And now, my first priority. You might even say, the way things have been going, my only priority.
I just need to figure out how to break up that anvil into manageable pieces so that I can slowly begin to reclaim those parts of me that help to make me ME.
I'm looking into going back to school this fall. The classes are full, but I might be able to wiggle my way in. But it's not that easy. See, I want to be a student...but not while I'm a mom. And I want to be a mom, but not while being a student. Trouble is, now that I'm a mom EVERYTHING I do will be simultaneous to Mothering. I just can't see it. I don't know HOW.
Kinda makes me want to scream. Or run far away.
Or eat ice cream while watching Arrested Development till I figure it all out :)
Listen
A VISUAL PLACE
We lay there & looked up at the night sky & she told me about stars called blue squares & red swirls & I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said. The really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own. -unknown
4 comments:
mmmmm....vanilla with rainbow sprinkles :)
Do you want to know what I fear? I fear that someday when I can do all of the things that sound so fun/important right now that I might give anything to hold a little one who won't let me put them down.
Just for the record...last night I thought you were a pretty great friend, wine drinker, dinner party hostess, mom, great laugher and tolerant person of all things brought up by Mat :) And, also for the record, I plan to test your current dancer skills pretty soon, just as a warning. I also don't see a darn thing wrong with ice cream and Arrested Development, sounds like a perfect morning to me :)
It IS hard to do everything. Unless you're there or have been there, you don't realize this. But as Kep grows and doesn't need your attention every second, those other things will creep back in and one day. Don't rush them if you don't have to.
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