I've been in a quiet place, of sorts. It's not a bad place, just a reflective place. It's that place that you settle into after a month of travelling. It's that place that you find yourself in when someone close to you dies. It's that place that is sadly comfortable but muddy and unpleasant. I'm not really sure how to get my life going again...not sure which direction I was going in the first place.
I've had a lot on my mind. Kind of questioning my faith a bit (funny how death will do that). Reprimanding myself for all that I'm not keeping up with. I've missed a doctors appointment, left the vet without paying, and late on sending out a gift for a loved one. I'm getting baby advice from all angles while trying to keep true to what I feel in my heart.
I've been thinking a lot about something my father said during one of our conversations. I said, "I don't know how Mom did it...having a baby with three other little ones running around". And he replied with, "You know, she was just really good at being a mom".
I want to be really good at being a mom. I keep thinking about this and what it means to be "really good at being a mom".
So here I am, in this place that is slow and dim and kind of keeping me from the realities of the everyday. My mind just isn't completely in it yet. Something is holding me back. It's all the thinking and dreaming and quiet reflecting.
I'm sure I'll start swimming again soon, but for now I'm just kinda treading some still, murky water.
4 comments:
Hi Rene',
Let's get together soon. Been thinking about you a lot...praying for you more. Sending hugs your way.
~Bethany
Every mom has those times. My mom had a lot of them. Where she just did what had to be done and treaded water waiting... for something. She had 6 kids to keep up with and still, she spent time treading water. I have those times too. I don't think of them as treading water, but more as feeling uninspired. To do anything, to say anything... to do anything more than exist until inspiration comes again.
Do what you know in your heart is right for you, for Kep, for your family. All the advice in the world is not worth much if it doesn't work for you.
Just keep swimming.
I agree with you, Rene'!!! She was A REALLY GREAT MOM! The BEST:) And I don't doubt for a second that you will be just as great as she is.
What I've found is "being a really great mom" is an overall picture. I bet if you ask your mom, she might say she had moments of wanting to tear her hair out, yell, run away or even worse, those moments of regret where she would have liked to handle something differently. But in the end, she was "successful" and a good mom and that's what is remembered.
So look at your big picture and see your happy, healthy baby and give yourself a pat on the back...and a break. (then call me and remind me to do the same!)
Post a Comment