I'm sitting here at the computer with the boy sleeping on my lap.  We had a rough night last night.  So hard to know what's going on...is he fighting a cold, teething, belly aches?  I really don't know.  What I do know is that he wouldn't sleep on his own.  He needed to be with me.  He needed to feel my warmth, my security.  It must've been so soothing for him to lay on my belly, feeling the rise and fall of it, and the way my breath gently caressed the top of his head while he slept.  When he couldn't stop crying, I nursed him.  When he fell asleep, I gently held him until the weight of his body felt limp...then I'd try to put him down.  He'd awaken and cry.  I did everything I could, and yet we still only slept a few hours.

I want to do everything I can for him to feel loved (let us pause here to note that I can feel him peeing on me this very second as I type...out the side of his diaper, through his sleeper, through my sweatshirt and nursing tank, only to kiss my innocent skin hiding beneath), to feel secure.  I want him to have exactly what he needs when he needs it.  I tried to do this last night for him.

Did I mention it was rough?  Cause it was.  At first, I was okay with the fact that he needed just a little extra love to get to sleep, a little extra bouncing and swaying.  But after a few ups and downs, into the crib and back out...my head just feeling the softness of the pillow only to have to get up again minutes later, my patience started to wane and I began to feel tense.  It didn't take long before I became a victim instead of a mom.  

Ben woke up a bit and asked me if I was okay.  I paused and considered that I could bottle these feelings and keep them for myself, but I thought better of it and said, "I am feeling angry".  He said he could tell.  We lay there in silence and not a minute later Kep began crying again.  I threw the covers off and started heavily out the bedroom.  Ben offered to take him for me, but I took a deep breath and told him no. 

I went to his crib and lifted him and held him.  He went back to sleep in my arms.  I had a revelation in those minutes soon after.  Not a new revelation, no, something I've had to realize time and time again thus far in my three month journey through motherhood.  I realized that I am me, Mom, and he is Kep, my son, and together we are learning to communicate...we are learning how to give and how to get.  What I need to realize is that I need to listen, and not just hear.  I can hear him crying, but there is much more behind that crying than I can ever know.  There are things going on in that body and in that brain and the only way to communicate whatever that may be, is through crying.  

So, although it was a rough night, and there were times I would've liked to throw in the towel...or at least throw something through the window...Keplar is an infant who needs me, and I can't let one rough night here and there get in the way of providing for him.  

Cause really, those nights probably won't hold a candle to what is to come...am I right??