I'm sitting here at the computer with the boy sleeping on my lap.  We had a rough night last night.  So hard to know what's going on...is he fighting a cold, teething, belly aches?  I really don't know.  What I do know is that he wouldn't sleep on his own.  He needed to be with me.  He needed to feel my warmth, my security.  It must've been so soothing for him to lay on my belly, feeling the rise and fall of it, and the way my breath gently caressed the top of his head while he slept.  When he couldn't stop crying, I nursed him.  When he fell asleep, I gently held him until the weight of his body felt limp...then I'd try to put him down.  He'd awaken and cry.  I did everything I could, and yet we still only slept a few hours.

I want to do everything I can for him to feel loved (let us pause here to note that I can feel him peeing on me this very second as I type...out the side of his diaper, through his sleeper, through my sweatshirt and nursing tank, only to kiss my innocent skin hiding beneath), to feel secure.  I want him to have exactly what he needs when he needs it.  I tried to do this last night for him.

Did I mention it was rough?  Cause it was.  At first, I was okay with the fact that he needed just a little extra love to get to sleep, a little extra bouncing and swaying.  But after a few ups and downs, into the crib and back out...my head just feeling the softness of the pillow only to have to get up again minutes later, my patience started to wane and I began to feel tense.  It didn't take long before I became a victim instead of a mom.  

Ben woke up a bit and asked me if I was okay.  I paused and considered that I could bottle these feelings and keep them for myself, but I thought better of it and said, "I am feeling angry".  He said he could tell.  We lay there in silence and not a minute later Kep began crying again.  I threw the covers off and started heavily out the bedroom.  Ben offered to take him for me, but I took a deep breath and told him no. 

I went to his crib and lifted him and held him.  He went back to sleep in my arms.  I had a revelation in those minutes soon after.  Not a new revelation, no, something I've had to realize time and time again thus far in my three month journey through motherhood.  I realized that I am me, Mom, and he is Kep, my son, and together we are learning to communicate...we are learning how to give and how to get.  What I need to realize is that I need to listen, and not just hear.  I can hear him crying, but there is much more behind that crying than I can ever know.  There are things going on in that body and in that brain and the only way to communicate whatever that may be, is through crying.  

So, although it was a rough night, and there were times I would've liked to throw in the towel...or at least throw something through the window...Keplar is an infant who needs me, and I can't let one rough night here and there get in the way of providing for him.  

Cause really, those nights probably won't hold a candle to what is to come...am I right??  

Kep is now three months old!!  Wow, where has the time gone?  He is getting stronger by the day...great head control and able to keep himself in a standing position for minutes on end (with our help, of course)!  Incredible eye contact and even showing signs of bashfulness when he is smiled at a lot.  He is recognizing who he knows and who he doesn't know so well.  I still haven't heard him laugh, or giggle.  He's teething...poor guy.  All in all, he's quite a little package and keeps Ben and I at the brink of teetering from exhaustion.  I love that he's "talking" more and that he smiles first thing in the morning when he sees us.  I love all his little baby rolls, his drooling, and the fact that he can throw up nearly everything he ate and still have a smile on his face:)  I love the little bald spot on the back of his head and the infinite amount of toe-jam he gets from his socks.  I love his chunky legs and his strong grip.  I love that he has taken over our life.  He's by far the best thing that has happened to us.    

I'm going back to work, but also in the process of writing up a business proposal and hoping it is well received.  

I have one week to prepare my body for an indoor soccer game!!  BTK is sitting this session out so that I can play :)  I'm definitely NOT ready to put my body through that and their is a good chance I might hurt myself...but I'm soooo excited!!  I'm preparing myself with sit-ups and a couple of jog/sprints before the game on Sunday.  Let's hope it's enough!

I know, kind of a lame post...but it's all I got today :)

Her Morning Elegance

I love this.  

I love the video...I love the lyrics.

Something about it really speaks to me.  

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...
Nobody knows

It's really difficult for me to put into words...

See, I just feel like I've been there...fighting...for my life.  I know what it's like when the days feel impossibly heavy and it takes every ounce of energy to really feel alive...to find a reason to want to feel alive.  My gremlins can be pretty hard on me sometimes.  For a long time, I didn't know how to protect myself from them. 

Then, I started to fight.

I've fought through some impossibly dark days...and what do you know?  I found life on the other side.

Now, I'm fighting for my dreams...for hope. 

I think we are all fighting for something...at some point.

I don't know...it just speaks to me.  It's so real.     

He's becoming ever more complicated.  Fussier.  Less predictable.  Recognizing who he doesn't recognize.  Harder to soothe.  Feeding more frequently again.

The tether feels tighter...or shorter.

Is he teething?  Is it a belly ache?  Are we not providing what he needs?

I am feeling wedged so deeply into motherhood these days.  Some days I feel like I'm breathing such fresh air.  Other days I feel like I'm suffocating.  

This is motherhood, isn't it?  And it doesn't end.  I don't want it to end...but still, I have this feeling of wanting to drive away from it sometimes.  Just for a little while.  

But then I think about what I might do after driving away.

And I'm sure that would be driving right back again.

I must say, I've never felt a greater feeling of love and fullness as when Kep smiles at me.  It fills my tank.  Fills it full.  Keeps me going.  

Yeah, he's getting more and more complicated (and yet, he's barely three months!), but it only gives him more and more depth.  And seriously...I just love, love, love those smiles :)