Looking Back...

I've been wanting to write a post about my pregnancy...a kind of "sum it all up" type of post...but I've been at a loss for words.  How do you sum up such a life changing experience?  

What a journey it was.

My pregnancy challenged me.

I was faced with difficult choices.

I experienced difficult changes.

So many things to "sum up".  In essence, my pregnancy with Keplar changed who I am.  It transformed me and readied me to accept a new title...a new identity.  I am now called Mom.  Or Momma (as I refer to myself).  

In the first few months, I mulled over how the pregnancy was going to change my current path to becoming a Dietitian.  With only five classes to take in order to graduate in April, it didn't take long to figure out that having a baby was going to "mess it all up".  Yes, I probably said those exact words.  Of course, I didn't realize then what I know now.  What I know now is that our little blessing didn't mess anything up.  Rather, he is going to make the journey that much more enriching. 

I was also quite focused on exercise...mainly running.  Okay, only running.  I ran.  I ran quite a bit.  I ran with our dogs.  Or, without our dogs (if I wanted to go faster and longer).  My lungs and my heart allowed me to run with speed and my endurance kept my legs from slowing.  Once I became pregnant however, my heart and lungs were compromised for the tiny being growing inside me and it became very difficult to keep my legs from slowing.  Running became taxing.  Running became less enjoyable and it made me discouraged.  But I kept going.  I did it for Keplar.  I did it for the dogs.  I did it for myself.  I did it for the health of all four of us.  It quickly turned into jogging, then rollerblading, and finally (when I was getting looks from the neighbor ladies) into walking.  I must say, I don't enjoy walking and I can't wait to unfold the jogging stroller I was gifted (by my beautiful sisters) in order to run again this spring.  Can't. Wait.

Should I even write about the changes the body goes through during a pregnancy?  I am my own worst enemy when I look in the mirror (don't look so surprised...YOU are the same way).  I watched my weight climb and my belly swell.  It went against everything my mind has told me is "okay".  I was challenged greatly in this area.  I cried a bit, here and there.  It didn't take long before I was wearing T-shirts to hide the bump.  I was very self-conscious during that "not quite looking pregnant" period.  I wait tables for a living and raised up a "hallelujah" when my guests finally started to notice I was pregnant.  Then I started hearing "you look so cute!" and "when are you due?"  It was during this time that I started to embrace my pregnant body and tell myself that it was indeed"okay" that the numbers on the scale were still climbing and that the measuring tape in the docs hands kept getting longer with each visit.  It's not easy to accept what you can't control, but once you look in the mirror and tell yourself that this is healthy and normal, it is much easier to swallow.  

BTK and I waited till the last possible minute to sign ourselves up for some type of birthing class.  I'll be the first to admit that I was scared shirtless of giving birth.  It was my only hesitancy in the past for being unsure that I even wanted to have children.  It kinda made me a little sick to even think about it.  I didn't even like talking about it.  So, yea, I was scared.  Then I heard about Hypnobirthing.  And I was given Karlye's name.  I looked her up and talked with her over the phone and set BTK and I up for our first birthing class.  I might say here that Karlye has been one of the most influential and encouraging people in my life thus far.  She totally deserves Superhero status.  I'm just sayin'.  Super.Hero.  So, BTK and I took this series of classes that basically taught us breathing, deep relaxation and self-hypnosis.  But it doesn't stop there.  Learning all of this took practice, daily practice.  The kind of practice that you don't half-ars.  It is the type of practice that you do when you believe, really believe, that you can achieve the end result.  Karlye encouraged me when I doubted myself.  She said, in the most perfect way, "YOU CAN".  And she said it more than once.  She said it with heart.  She said it in a way that transformed those two words into a gift.  She gifted me with confidence to perform a birth the way He intended it to be.  I went from feeling fear to feeling excitement.  I was so ready!  Hypnobirthing is a method of natural childbirth, but for me it was so much more.  It allowed me to put all fear aside and really enjoy my last couple months of pregnancy.

Which brings me to the best part.  The last couple of months.  Keplar was a dance enthusiast while he took up space in my belly.  With not much else to do, he showed us his moves every evening when BTK and I would settle our bottoms into the cush of the couch.  We'd have dinner, mosey downstairs and flip on the television.  We'd just be getting into a program when Keplar would steal the show.  I'd notice the first subtle movements, I'd point it out to BTK and he would lean over, pull up my shirt and expose my HUGE swelling belly and we'd watch.  Keplar would get going so strong with his kicks and bends that we'd find ourselves laughing out loud as my belly morphed into different shapes.  We'd both find ourselves with our hands poking and prodding as our little guy moved about.  I loved this.  I truly embraced it.  And, just as I predicted, I miss those times.  I will forever remember them.  I will forever enjoy them.  

I have to say that all in all, pregnancy is not so bad.  It is not my favorite thing (can get a bit physically uncomfortable at times), but it certainly has a place in my life.  It has helped me grow.  It has given me renewed confidence in myself.  It has made me a stronger person...a fighter :)  Karlye taught me that my imagination is stronger than my will...that I create my own reality.  Take a quick minute and think about that.  There is much truth hidden in those statements.  I am trying to live those truths today, and I plan on passing those truths on to our little guy...now that he is here in our world :)