A bit overwhelmed right now...not keeping up with much of anything it seems. Lately, it seems my world...my own ginormous universe...is in a downhill spin. Not downhill in the sense that things are bad and getting worse. More like, picking up speed on the downhill...and spinning a bit along the way.
There is no stopping it now. My life has sped up. It goes faster as you age, ya know. I'm sure some of you have experienced this. Perhaps it happened to you without a notice, without a second glance from you back to where the slow comfortable pace was left by the wayside. Perhaps you adjusted without even realizing there was an adjustment to be made. I'm definitely feeling the adjustment from the slow to the speedy, as if a new gear turned.
And it is overwhelming at times, mostly when the gremlins visit. They are a challenge, to say the least. They make me second guess where I'm at and how I'm doin' at it. And right now, with the quick approach of a new life taking its' first breath and being handed to me, the gremlins are making me question if I'm ready. Have I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for this? What if I can't breathe through the labor? Will BTK and I ever be the same, or will our relationship be completely different? Will we be able to handle the stress, the challenges that are to come? Am I patient enough? What if I'm not strong enough and I fall to pieces at some point?
And then some.
So, yeah, overwhelmed and stuff.
But the gremlins come, and then they go. They go because I'm mostly able to talk my way away from them. The fact is, I am good enough. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. BTK and I have love on our side and one challenge will not make or break us. The adventure we are on is exciting! Life is full of stressors, but I am strong enough and aware enough and I am learning to handle them. And if and when I do fall to pieces, I have people who love me who will help me back on my feet.
The baby is huge and I am huge...
We had our baby shower and our baby's wardrobe is officially bigger than mine :)
I have only three shifts left at work and then I'm done! (for a while anyways)
I still have six more weeks before the expected date...which is quite a bit of time to continue to "prepare" and ready ourselves.
I have God on my side :)
And then some.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Just a quick Tuesday thought...
BTK left for vacation and I was lost for a day, then found myself for three days, then lost again and lonely...THEN, we met up at my parents for the weekend and had a GREAT time with family and friends and now we are back home and I am found again!! Back to normal except better cause before it was the same as it is now except I didn't know how good it was...so it is actually better and the same. I know...so profound.
We attended a wedding on Saturday night and then our baby shower on Sunday...and it was all wonderful and fabulous! And I must say...I've been seeing less and less of my incredible family as the years progress and they only seem to be loving me more and more. I really can't describe the feeling...maybe like they lit a candle in me and warmed my heart with their love. And that candle is still glowing...so, thank you family for making me feel so special and loved this past weekend. Not just anyone can make a person feel like they are spilling over with so much juicy love :)
Back into the swing of things here. Trying to get ahold of so many things that seem to be slipping out of my grasp...LIFE is happening all around us and it is scampering and bouncing and skipping and calling back to me to "try and keep up!!".
So I'm trying to keep up.
That's where I'm at on this Tuesday :)
Peace out.
We attended a wedding on Saturday night and then our baby shower on Sunday...and it was all wonderful and fabulous! And I must say...I've been seeing less and less of my incredible family as the years progress and they only seem to be loving me more and more. I really can't describe the feeling...maybe like they lit a candle in me and warmed my heart with their love. And that candle is still glowing...so, thank you family for making me feel so special and loved this past weekend. Not just anyone can make a person feel like they are spilling over with so much juicy love :)
Back into the swing of things here. Trying to get ahold of so many things that seem to be slipping out of my grasp...LIFE is happening all around us and it is scampering and bouncing and skipping and calling back to me to "try and keep up!!".
So I'm trying to keep up.
That's where I'm at on this Tuesday :)
Peace out.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Because you weren't here...
Because you weren't here, I felt a sense of loss
Like a piece was missing from my life
Like part of the story went untold
Like I was looking for something I wouldn't find.
Because you weren't here, my eyes were wet
My heart felt constricted
My body was a little lost
Trying to navigate through that first day after I hung up the phone.
Because you weren't here, I shopped only for myself
Buying less and preparing less
I didn't open the Oreo's
I was forced to eat a pear.
Because you weren't here, I considered only myself
And found that myself was worth considering
I opened a book and enjoyed a read
I opened my journal and laid down some ink.
Because you weren't here, I talked less
And listened more to the voices in my head
They started to speak loudly of needs and wants
Of myself and of you.
Because you weren't here, there was less guilt
You are on vacation
It's okay if I'm on vacation
And I'm enjoying my time a little more.
Because you weren't here, the house is missing a beat
For you are part of the rhythm
That keeps this place alive
The song has not been as pretty since you've been away.
Because you weren't here, I didn't sleep as well
When I woke at 3am to cops and dogs and flashlights
Directly in front of the house
No one to comfort me that I was safe.
Because only I'm here, with the dogs and the growing belly
I am lonely
No one can fill the space that you fill
My heart is a bit empty
Because you aren't here, I've no one to complain to
No one to lift their shirt and offer to carry the baby
Then kiss me on the forehead so sweetly
Even though I might cry.
Because you aren't here, there is less laughter
Less to say
Less hugs and kisses
Less companionship.
Miss you babe :)
Like a piece was missing from my life
Like part of the story went untold
Like I was looking for something I wouldn't find.
Because you weren't here, my eyes were wet
My heart felt constricted
My body was a little lost
Trying to navigate through that first day after I hung up the phone.
Because you weren't here, I shopped only for myself
Buying less and preparing less
I didn't open the Oreo's
I was forced to eat a pear.
Because you weren't here, I considered only myself
And found that myself was worth considering
I opened a book and enjoyed a read
I opened my journal and laid down some ink.
Because you weren't here, I talked less
And listened more to the voices in my head
They started to speak loudly of needs and wants
Of myself and of you.
Because you weren't here, there was less guilt
You are on vacation
It's okay if I'm on vacation
And I'm enjoying my time a little more.
Because you weren't here, the house is missing a beat
For you are part of the rhythm
That keeps this place alive
The song has not been as pretty since you've been away.
Because you weren't here, I didn't sleep as well
When I woke at 3am to cops and dogs and flashlights
Directly in front of the house
No one to comfort me that I was safe.
Because only I'm here, with the dogs and the growing belly
I am lonely
No one can fill the space that you fill
My heart is a bit empty
Because you aren't here, I've no one to complain to
No one to lift their shirt and offer to carry the baby
Then kiss me on the forehead so sweetly
Even though I might cry.
Because you aren't here, there is less laughter
Less to say
Less hugs and kisses
Less companionship.
Miss you babe :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday Morning
The hours have been ticking since I've risen from BTK's side of the bed. I find his side a bit more comfortable. Hopefully, once he is back home from his trip, he'll find my side comfy...cause that is where he'll be sleeping :)
I've been moving slowly this morning. I did some birthing affirmations, some journaling, some reading, and now I'm blogging. You might think these things are NOT productive, but in my world they are. Not only are they productive, they are also needed and healing. The blogging isn't necessarily all of those things, but I definitely enjoy it...which makes it important!
Our long stretch of rain has ceased! This means the dogs and I can FINALLY cover some ground outside! They don't know it yet, but they will be thrilled when they find out that we are going to get disciplined outside time. They love discipline...they tell me it helps them feel more centered.
As for me, I have settled into my alone time just fine. Yesterday after work, I cleaned the snot out of our upstairs. I wouldn't have done that had I come home to BTK. It's kinda nice to work according to only MY agenda. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him. I'd much rather him be here than not. But I can appreciate the solitude that forces me to focus only on ME. I am important too ya know.
Remember the large, tent-like number I was on the hunt for on Saturday?? Well, I found something and I'm actually quite happy with it. It's brown, V-neck, cap sleeves, cotton, stretchy, knee length...not quite a fall style, but I also found a sweater to wear with it so it should be fine :) I looked on Old Navy's website to link and show y'all, but couldn't find it. You'll have to wait till I have pics from the events!
Only five and a half more hours till I have to be at work! Time to get something done!
I've been moving slowly this morning. I did some birthing affirmations, some journaling, some reading, and now I'm blogging. You might think these things are NOT productive, but in my world they are. Not only are they productive, they are also needed and healing. The blogging isn't necessarily all of those things, but I definitely enjoy it...which makes it important!
Our long stretch of rain has ceased! This means the dogs and I can FINALLY cover some ground outside! They don't know it yet, but they will be thrilled when they find out that we are going to get disciplined outside time. They love discipline...they tell me it helps them feel more centered.
As for me, I have settled into my alone time just fine. Yesterday after work, I cleaned the snot out of our upstairs. I wouldn't have done that had I come home to BTK. It's kinda nice to work according to only MY agenda. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him. I'd much rather him be here than not. But I can appreciate the solitude that forces me to focus only on ME. I am important too ya know.
Remember the large, tent-like number I was on the hunt for on Saturday?? Well, I found something and I'm actually quite happy with it. It's brown, V-neck, cap sleeves, cotton, stretchy, knee length...not quite a fall style, but I also found a sweater to wear with it so it should be fine :) I looked on Old Navy's website to link and show y'all, but couldn't find it. You'll have to wait till I have pics from the events!
Only five and a half more hours till I have to be at work! Time to get something done!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
NOT my favorite things...
BTK called me at 8:30am this morning to let me know he reached his destination: the launch site on the French River in Canada. He took off last night and met up with his brothers to begin the journey North, and now he is there...and not here. After we hung up, I missed him. It is quiet here. It is pouring rain. I feel a little lonely. I mean, I guess I do have the dogs to keep me company and plenty of things I could keep busy with. And I am truly happy for BTK to be able to take this little (7day) getaway with his brothers. And he has been SO excited to go! I've been stepping over camping/fishing/hiking gear for nearly three weeks now!
But it is still gonna be a bit lonely. And that is okay :) A little solitude will probably serve me well :)
So, I'm sitting here at the computer reading up on blogs and deciding what I'll do with my day when I realize that we have a wedding to attend next weekend and I don't have anything to wear! SO, at 31 weeks pregnant I get to go DRESS SHOPPING!!!! YAY!!!! Now, if it were just the one wedding, I think I could get away with wearing some dress pants and a cutesy maternity top...but we have four weddings to attend in the next month and a half and I'm doing a reading at one of them, so I'd better go to the dreaded mall and find something big and tent-like to fit myself into.
It's raining and humid and gray and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a book (after I vacuum the dog hair from it, of course).
Instead, I will get in my car and drive two cities away to the mall where I will walk around to different stores and try on maternity dresses. It's gonna be FABulous!
Then, I will come home and nap before I head to work this evening.
Wow, what a great day! I bet BTK wishes he were here so that he could join me ;)
But it is still gonna be a bit lonely. And that is okay :) A little solitude will probably serve me well :)
So, I'm sitting here at the computer reading up on blogs and deciding what I'll do with my day when I realize that we have a wedding to attend next weekend and I don't have anything to wear! SO, at 31 weeks pregnant I get to go DRESS SHOPPING!!!! YAY!!!! Now, if it were just the one wedding, I think I could get away with wearing some dress pants and a cutesy maternity top...but we have four weddings to attend in the next month and a half and I'm doing a reading at one of them, so I'd better go to the dreaded mall and find something big and tent-like to fit myself into.
It's raining and humid and gray and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a book (after I vacuum the dog hair from it, of course).
Instead, I will get in my car and drive two cities away to the mall where I will walk around to different stores and try on maternity dresses. It's gonna be FABulous!
Then, I will come home and nap before I head to work this evening.
Wow, what a great day! I bet BTK wishes he were here so that he could join me ;)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Pictures and Words
One day I'll know how to put these pics into some kinda collage for your viewing pleasure...one day.
And yes, I actually put a ball up my shirt for the picture cause I just wasn't lookin' big enough, ya know? I'm about 30 weeks now. The baby seems to be sticking one of its limbs into my ribcage on a more consistent basis and it's also being a bit more FORCEFUL with this particular limb in my rib, for some reason. Perhaps its hanging from the rib like a little monkey...I really can't be sure.
BTK is pretending to lift the baby from the crib in that one shot. I think his form is a little off, but who am I to criticize?? I mean, I've never done it before so how would I know? We painted some shapes up on the walls and BTK is planning on using a paint pen to write some geometric equations next to them...that way when the kid is like 13 or whatever, there won't be any complaining that he/she has grown outta the room.
It's time for me to get movin'...BTK will be home soon and I have to make it look like I actually DID something today. I'm gonna clean off the counter top...it's a very noticeable area of clutter and he'll think it took me ALL DAY. And I'm making fish curry for dinner...cause we LOVE curry!
Peace out.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Wee One Is Growing...
And today the baby feels even heavier, and my belly feels like it is pulling down even more. It is the top of the belly that hurts. It is taught, sore, and itchy at times. And seriously, I still have ten weeks of this and it's only going to get more intense...so can I GET OVER IT already???? Perhaps I should save this "sorry for myself" attitude for a month or so, cause it probably isn't even that bad right now compared to what it will be!
It really isn't that bad (see? I'm over it already). As long as I'm moving about, I don't notice it as much.
What I NEED is new maternity clothes. Not only have I mostly grown out of what I have, it is all summer apparell and it is getting cooler outside. Just a few pieces should hold me over till the wee babe is born. I might even splurge for the $6.49 sweatshirts they have at Target. Not maternity wear, but if I get a large I'll be just fine. I'm also in search for a dress that I can wear to the four weddings we have coming up! Couldn't these people have gotten married back in April??? I mean, didn't they know I'd be huge and uncomfortable by October?? Come on!!
We started our birthing classes and we are SUPER into the method we chose. Our baby is comin' out drug free and it's gonna be an AMAZING experience! I think we are both starting to really look forward to that day :) And for all you women out there who have horrendous stories to tell about how awful and painful birthing is...SAVE IT! I don't want to hear it :) But if you have a gentler story about how beautiful your experience was and how there is nothing to fear, DO TELL...for those are the stories that ought to be shared with first-time mothers-to-be. Don't get me wrong, I know it is laborous and exhausting and uncomfortable...but I also know that women were built to do it and it is better to approach it with positive thoughts rather than negative ones. More power to me :)
It's beautiful weather here...hopefully you are seeing the same! Have a great weekend!
It really isn't that bad (see? I'm over it already). As long as I'm moving about, I don't notice it as much.
What I NEED is new maternity clothes. Not only have I mostly grown out of what I have, it is all summer apparell and it is getting cooler outside. Just a few pieces should hold me over till the wee babe is born. I might even splurge for the $6.49 sweatshirts they have at Target. Not maternity wear, but if I get a large I'll be just fine. I'm also in search for a dress that I can wear to the four weddings we have coming up! Couldn't these people have gotten married back in April??? I mean, didn't they know I'd be huge and uncomfortable by October?? Come on!!
We started our birthing classes and we are SUPER into the method we chose. Our baby is comin' out drug free and it's gonna be an AMAZING experience! I think we are both starting to really look forward to that day :) And for all you women out there who have horrendous stories to tell about how awful and painful birthing is...SAVE IT! I don't want to hear it :) But if you have a gentler story about how beautiful your experience was and how there is nothing to fear, DO TELL...for those are the stories that ought to be shared with first-time mothers-to-be. Don't get me wrong, I know it is laborous and exhausting and uncomfortable...but I also know that women were built to do it and it is better to approach it with positive thoughts rather than negative ones. More power to me :)
It's beautiful weather here...hopefully you are seeing the same! Have a great weekend!
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