Last year, pregnancy for me was like sitting upright in an uncomfortable wooden chair. No matter how many times I tried to readjust, I just couldn't settle in for a nice long "sit". I was completely uncomfortable in it and couldn't figure out how to share its' space.
This pregnancy is more like a bean bag, where I feel like I fit more snugly in it but there is still no place to rest my head.
For all you women out there who've gone through it, perhaps you'll agree that pregnancy is bittersweet. I've figured this out in only a matter of weeks! On one hand, it's this awesome wonder to have another life inhabit your own physical space... to have the responsibility to care for it and nurture it and make it grow because God gave you this gift to aide Him in the miracle of life. Every once in a while I try to wrap my brain around that fact, and I can't. I am in complete awe and cannot comprehend why He's given this to me. It's something that I'm not sure I could sort out even if I gave myself a week of silence to ponder. It truly is sweet. On the other hand, it is wearing me down physically and then mentally, everyday, in that order. I am physically uncomfortable with what my body is already doing and with what I know it will do. It is going to change in ways that might make me curse and will probably make me cry. My appetite has been thrown to the dogs. I can't trust it anymore, for it leads me to foods that make me feel sick. I feel like this pregnancy is running ahead and leaving me behind with heartburn, nausea, fatigue, sore breasts, sleepless nights, and an overzealous appetite for Wendy's and pizza. It just doesn't seem fair!
I realize that I am complaining and that at the same time there are women out there who live to conceive and cannot, for whatever reason, and are devastated about it.
I realize that we've been blessed and I'm only embracing bits and pieces at this point.
I also realize that I am, in fact, embracing bits and pieces.
I adore BTK and his utter admiration for what my body is going through for us. I truly am in awe of this miracle and where it will take us in life, especially the joy it will bring. I believe we will have more smiles because of it :)
I love the fact that we just let it happen and here we are now in limbo awaiting someone that will change our lives forever.
Believe me, I want to embrace every aspect and be filled with excitement and happiness everyday because I am pregnant. I just don't think I fit the bill. It is in my character to avoid change, to not allow excitement to overflow, to make room for the what-ifs and the gremlins in life.
At least I am embracing some parts of it now... like the part where I feel like I will probably actually have this baby :) My side effects are so much more pronounced this time 'round and it just makes me feel like "it's for real" this time.
Plus, I'm only human. And a woman. And I really try to put myself out there, even if other people like to pretend they don't ever feel the way that I do. I'm pretty sure we all have gremlins at some point.
I know this pregnancy is going to challenge me in ways nothing else could. I know it's going to make me stronger. I know it's going to give me heartburn. I know that I don't like having heartburn. But I'm sure I'll be shown that, in the end, it's a small price to pay for what will come of it.
Listen
A VISUAL PLACE
We lay there & looked up at the night sky & she told me about stars called blue squares & red swirls & I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said. The really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own. -unknown
7 comments:
Baby steps, my friend. Everything you have stated is normal (at least it was for me). But, remember this is your journey, not anyone ele's, so approach it in a manner that is best for you and BTK.
Oh, and keep holding onto God's big hand...there is a lot of strength there.
Love ya.
Hey girl! I thought of a book that you have to get...it is called The Girlfriend's Guide To Pregnancy (there are others too) by Vicki Iovine. You would love it! It is SO funny and true. I know you have enough reading with school and stuff, but this book is such an easy read and I'm sure that you would realize that many of the things you are feeling are completely normal.
Call me sometime and we'll talk!
Marci
Ugh. I had heartburn too and it was AWFUL. Luckily, most of my cravings were for spinach - which I ate every chance I got. I don't remember being particularly crazy about it BEFORE I got pregnant.
I say Enjoy the Wendy's and pizza! Because after all this is over, you will most likely feel the need to focus on your body and make it feel and look as you remembered it. If there's ever a time to ignore the little voice in your head telling you that you shouldn't indulge, now might be it. I say this knowing that you will still eat your dark leafy greens and whole grains since I'm not implying you should eat mint chocolate chip ice cream and powdered donuts for every meal (although I contemplated that for a moment when I was there :) Besides BTK is there to keep you in line, I'm sure.
Love you and your little bean!
Oh yea, the heartburn. I had huge bottles of Tums in every room.
But that was the worst of it for me. I lurrved being pregnant. I could farm myself out as a surrogate, were it not for the darn hitch in the plan called "delivery."
Take it one day, one hour, at a time.
Awww Congrats! I am just finding out..I didn't blog for a while and then I just found your link through Jamie's page. How far along are you?
Amber didn't really like being pregnant all the time either. The only problem was that we were like friggen baby factories. We had to be stopped or we would surely be like the Duggers with 18 kids.
sick.
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