There are clothes to be folded.  A desk full of clutter to be organized.  A pan to scrub.  Laundry to fold...and a load to wash.  Floors to clean.  A bathroom to sanitize.  A bed that needs making.  Sheets that need changing.  Dogs that need to be brushed...and bathed.  Windows to wash.  A counter top to wipe.  Food to be put away.  Drawers to slide shut.  Bags to put in their place.  Chairs to scoot back under the table.  A sweater to fold.  Applications to fill out.  Information that needs to be gathered.  Mail to bring in.  Carpet and rugs to vacuum.  Toys to pick up.  Bills to file.  

Etc., etc., etc....

I'm not doing any of them...and I'm still doing a pretty damn good job!! 

I've been in a quiet place, of sorts.  It's not a bad place, just a reflective place.  It's that place that you settle into after a month of travelling.  It's that place that you find yourself in when someone close to you dies.  It's that place that is sadly comfortable but muddy and unpleasant.  I'm not really sure how to get my life going again...not sure which direction I was going in the first place.  

I've had a lot on my mind.  Kind of questioning my faith a bit (funny how death will do that).  Reprimanding myself for all that I'm not keeping up with.  I've missed a doctors appointment, left the vet without paying, and late on sending out a gift for a loved one.  I'm getting baby advice from all angles while trying to keep true to what I feel in my heart.  

I've been thinking a lot about something my father said during one of our conversations.  I said, "I don't know how Mom did it...having a baby with three other little ones running around".  And he replied with, "You know, she was just really good at being a mom".  

I want to be really good at being a mom.  I keep thinking about this and what it means to be "really good at being a mom".

So here I am, in this place that is slow and dim and kind of keeping me from the realities of the everyday.  My mind just isn't completely in it yet.  Something is holding me back.  It's all the thinking and dreaming and quiet reflecting.  

I'm sure I'll start swimming again soon, but for now I'm just kinda treading some still, murky water.