Because you weren't here...

Because you weren't here, I felt a sense of loss
Like a piece was missing from my life
Like part of the story went untold
Like I was looking for something I wouldn't find.



Because you weren't here, my eyes were wet
My heart felt constricted
My body was a little lost
Trying to navigate through that first day after I hung up the phone.



Because you weren't here, I shopped only for myself
Buying less and preparing less
I didn't open the Oreo's
I was forced to eat a pear.



Because you weren't here, I considered only myself
And found that myself was worth considering
I opened a book and enjoyed a read
I opened my journal and laid down some ink.



Because you weren't here, I talked less
And listened more to the voices in my head
They started to speak loudly of needs and wants
Of myself and of you.



Because you weren't here, there was less guilt
You are on vacation
It's okay if I'm on vacation
And I'm enjoying my time a little more.



Because you weren't here, the house is missing a beat
For you are part of the rhythm
That keeps this place alive
The song has not been as pretty since you've been away.



Because you weren't here, I didn't sleep as well
When I woke at 3am to cops and dogs and flashlights
Directly in front of the house
No one to comfort me that I was safe.



Because only I'm here, with the dogs and the growing belly
I am lonely
No one can fill the space that you fill
My heart is a bit empty

Because you aren't here, I've no one to complain to
No one to lift their shirt and offer to carry the baby
Then kiss me on the forehead so sweetly
Even though I might cry.

Because you aren't here, there is less laughter
Less to say
Less hugs and kisses
Less companionship.

Miss you babe :)

Monday Morning

The hours have been ticking since I've risen from BTK's side of the bed. I find his side a bit more comfortable. Hopefully, once he is back home from his trip, he'll find my side comfy...cause that is where he'll be sleeping :)

I've been moving slowly this morning. I did some birthing affirmations, some journaling, some reading, and now I'm blogging. You might think these things are NOT productive, but in my world they are. Not only are they productive, they are also needed and healing. The blogging isn't necessarily all of those things, but I definitely enjoy it...which makes it important!

Our long stretch of rain has ceased! This means the dogs and I can FINALLY cover some ground outside! They don't know it yet, but they will be thrilled when they find out that we are going to get disciplined outside time. They love discipline...they tell me it helps them feel more centered.

As for me, I have settled into my alone time just fine. Yesterday after work, I cleaned the snot out of our upstairs. I wouldn't have done that had I come home to BTK. It's kinda nice to work according to only MY agenda. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him. I'd much rather him be here than not. But I can appreciate the solitude that forces me to focus only on ME. I am important too ya know.

Remember the large, tent-like number I was on the hunt for on Saturday?? Well, I found something and I'm actually quite happy with it. It's brown, V-neck, cap sleeves, cotton, stretchy, knee length...not quite a fall style, but I also found a sweater to wear with it so it should be fine :) I looked on Old Navy's website to link and show y'all, but couldn't find it. You'll have to wait till I have pics from the events!

Only five and a half more hours till I have to be at work! Time to get something done!

NOT my favorite things...

BTK called me at 8:30am this morning to let me know he reached his destination: the launch site on the French River in Canada. He took off last night and met up with his brothers to begin the journey North, and now he is there...and not here. After we hung up, I missed him. It is quiet here. It is pouring rain. I feel a little lonely. I mean, I guess I do have the dogs to keep me company and plenty of things I could keep busy with. And I am truly happy for BTK to be able to take this little (7day) getaway with his brothers. And he has been SO excited to go! I've been stepping over camping/fishing/hiking gear for nearly three weeks now!

But it is still gonna be a bit lonely. And that is okay :) A little solitude will probably serve me well :)

So, I'm sitting here at the computer reading up on blogs and deciding what I'll do with my day when I realize that we have a wedding to attend next weekend and I don't have anything to wear! SO, at 31 weeks pregnant I get to go DRESS SHOPPING!!!! YAY!!!! Now, if it were just the one wedding, I think I could get away with wearing some dress pants and a cutesy maternity top...but we have four weddings to attend in the next month and a half and I'm doing a reading at one of them, so I'd better go to the dreaded mall and find something big and tent-like to fit myself into.

It's raining and humid and gray and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a book (after I vacuum the dog hair from it, of course).

Instead, I will get in my car and drive two cities away to the mall where I will walk around to different stores and try on maternity dresses. It's gonna be FABulous!

Then, I will come home and nap before I head to work this evening.

Wow, what a great day! I bet BTK wishes he were here so that he could join me ;)

Pictures and Words

One day I'll know how to put these pics into some kinda collage for your viewing pleasure...one day.

And yes, I actually put a ball up my shirt for the picture cause I just wasn't lookin' big enough, ya know? I'm about 30 weeks now. The baby seems to be sticking one of its limbs into my ribcage on a more consistent basis and it's also being a bit more FORCEFUL with this particular limb in my rib, for some reason. Perhaps its hanging from the rib like a little monkey...I really can't be sure.

BTK is pretending to lift the baby from the crib in that one shot. I think his form is a little off, but who am I to criticize?? I mean, I've never done it before so how would I know? We painted some shapes up on the walls and BTK is planning on using a paint pen to write some geometric equations next to them...that way when the kid is like 13 or whatever, there won't be any complaining that he/she has grown outta the room.

It's time for me to get movin'...BTK will be home soon and I have to make it look like I actually DID something today. I'm gonna clean off the counter top...it's a very noticeable area of clutter and he'll think it took me ALL DAY. And I'm making fish curry for dinner...cause we LOVE curry!

Peace out.

The Wee One Is Growing...

And today the baby feels even heavier, and my belly feels like it is pulling down even more. It is the top of the belly that hurts. It is taught, sore, and itchy at times. And seriously, I still have ten weeks of this and it's only going to get more intense...so can I GET OVER IT already???? Perhaps I should save this "sorry for myself" attitude for a month or so, cause it probably isn't even that bad right now compared to what it will be!

It really isn't that bad (see? I'm over it already). As long as I'm moving about, I don't notice it as much.

What I NEED is new maternity clothes. Not only have I mostly grown out of what I have, it is all summer apparell and it is getting cooler outside. Just a few pieces should hold me over till the wee babe is born. I might even splurge for the $6.49 sweatshirts they have at Target. Not maternity wear, but if I get a large I'll be just fine. I'm also in search for a dress that I can wear to the four weddings we have coming up! Couldn't these people have gotten married back in April??? I mean, didn't they know I'd be huge and uncomfortable by October?? Come on!!

We started our birthing classes and we are SUPER into the method we chose. Our baby is comin' out drug free and it's gonna be an AMAZING experience! I think we are both starting to really look forward to that day :) And for all you women out there who have horrendous stories to tell about how awful and painful birthing is...SAVE IT! I don't want to hear it :) But if you have a gentler story about how beautiful your experience was and how there is nothing to fear, DO TELL...for those are the stories that ought to be shared with first-time mothers-to-be. Don't get me wrong, I know it is laborous and exhausting and uncomfortable...but I also know that women were built to do it and it is better to approach it with positive thoughts rather than negative ones. More power to me :)

It's beautiful weather here...hopefully you are seeing the same! Have a great weekend!