It is a new week and I feel so trapped. Do you ever get that feeling that you just want to get up and out and away? That you are so wrapped up in everything around you, that you can't find yourself anymore? I feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge pile of responsibilities... my dogs, my schoolwork, my job, my husband, my home, my friends, my family... and only if I can break through that huge heap on top of me will I be able to see my wants and desires and cater to them and nurture them and feed them. That is what I want. I want to feed and nurture my needs. I don't pay enough attention to them. They are on the back burner and I just can't cook off enough of everything else to get to them.

I'm lost in the shuffle. I can't find me. I'm here and I'm performing, and no one seems to be complaining, except me.

I'm not mad or upset or feeling down because of this. It's just frustrating from time to time when I realize all of this, again. It is something that keeps coming up for me. I imagine that one day I'll be the type of person who radiates positive energy. That one day, when I've broken through society's mold, I'll actually love each new day because I trust myself enough to walk through it with me in mind.

Don't get me wrong, I have really great days and some not so great days... but that just isn't good enough anymore. I want really great days most of the time... and it just isn't that way right now. BTK would be the first to tell you that I carry tense stress with me all day, most days.

I could go on and on and on, but I won't. There are millions of ways to say that I don't take good enough care of everything that is me.

You get the idea.... and I'm workin' on it.

And God?? If you can hear me.... It would help if you could get the sun to freakin' shine!

I'm off to carry on with my Monday. It's gonna be easy. I'm gonna spend it in one of my fave places... LemonJellos.

a rope... a branch... anything????

I just want to write. I just want to throw my thoughts up on my screen and then decide if they are pretty or if they need to be stored away in a box in the attic. What does that mean, you ask? I don't know, it's just what popped in my head.

I am drowning in a ginormous pool of February. It is filling up with days of the week and I'm barely staying afloat after the addition of Wednesday. If I don't make it out before it starts filling with Thursday, you might lose me. It won't be pretty, either. I'm already flailing my arms and reaching for anything that might give me a leg up... SOMEONE THROW ME A ROPE!!!!!!

Seriously though. How do I slow down? I'd give you a list of everything I need to do before I die Tuesday, but you don't care because you have your own list of everything under the sun things to do.

I just need some breathing room, people.

You know what I need? I need a drink. But not just a drink. I need a drink coupled with random conversation in a dimly lit bar as I sit back and barely listen to the conversation at hand. But then the conversation needs to get interesting and DEEP in order to keep my mind from trailing off into the dark hole that holds the pieces of my responsible adult life. And just in case I do accidently get pulled into that dark hole, the conversation also needs to be FUN and it needs to pull LAUGHTER from my voicebox. In a dim bar, with a drink.

You know what else I need? THE FREAKIN' SUN TO SHINE!!!!!! I wonder if THAT has anything to do with how I'm feeling.

I am ready, SO READY, for stifling hot, suffocating HEAT... the kind of heat that everyone complains about after they've complained about winter for NINE MONTHS straight.

I digress.

BTK and I will be leaving in a few SHORT minutes to have dinner with a couple from Bulgaria.

The Snow

This is how deep our snow is!!!!!

Chuck loves to lay in it!

This is the window I look out of when I study :)

mini vaca

I've skipped school all week. It's like I'm on vacation. I've been spending my time in the library at Hope College and am there (here) right at this moment.

The reason I decided to post is that the guy on the computer next to me walked away from the desk for a brief moment and left a big ol' pile of GUMMY BEARS just sitting there. One of the bears just sat up and looked over at me and smiled. I don't know what that means, but I'm assuming that it means I should casually reach over and snag one for my own delicious enjoyment.

Oh wait, he just came back. My window of opportunity has just closed.

I must explain why I've skipped school all week. It has been snowing and snowing and snowing and more snow has still fallen... and it is cold, cold, cold!!! So the roads have been crap to drive on and my commute turned into a death trap, so I've stayed back. I like it better this way. I've sent my assignments in electronically and haven't wasted five and a half hours of time in the car.

I'd better get back to my big stack of flashcards! btw, I heart gummy bears!

To Forge Ahead Is To... forge ahead.

it is snowing. but despite the cold white weather, i am in a positive, motivated, don't ph*ck with me kind of mood. i feel powerful and steadfast. i finished my assignments late and am a titch behind, but i have much on my list of "gonna get done" and am bound and determined to just work all day. i'm burning closing the biochem book for now and turning to more interesting matters of a 30 y.o. female with chronic pancreatitis secondary to chronic alchoholism. armed with my MNT text and the www, i should be able to make some progress and outline questions for tomorrow if i get stumped.

it is amazing how a night of almost uninterrupted sleep can put you back on the "forging ahead" train!

last night i was full of bad words and curses toward my never present, biochem prof.

today, the sun came up (i know this because we aren't all dead) and i am feeling a bit of hope... a small light at the end of the tunnel that beckons me to move past my troubled mind and forward toward my dreams.

the computer/twin bed room where i sit is surprisingly warm despite the mounds of snow sitting on the rooftop two feet away, just on the other side of the window. the dogs are quiet and calm, only because they can feel the calm-assertive energy of their packleader as she pecks away and flips pages, as if she knows exactly what it is she is doing.

last night i was troubled and tense, ready to give it all up for a life on the streets a career as a server.

today i am relaxed and determined, ready to tackle tasks that will get me closer to my fancied career as an R.D.

i will use caffeine to guide me, and to create synapses between my neurons that wouldn't otherwise fire.

i will accomplish today.