I'm listening to the acoustics of the crickets and the cicadas...definitely the sounds that help deliver the feelings of a humid summer. Except it's not really that humid. But it sounds humid.

And inside, the hum of my computer and the dim lamp in the corner are feeding my growing belly of thoughts.

And then there is that wierd noise the fridge is making from time to time. It's kind of startling, with the rest of the house asleep.

It's past midnight and I'm just home from work about an hour ago. I don't want to go to bed because Kep is in there with Ben and I just want him to sleep. He'll surely wake up if I turn in next to him. So, my sleep is sacrificed. No big deal. Par for the course these days :)

Plus, I really enjoy these nights after work. It is quiet. I am mostly alone. I can sit and catch up on my blogs, uninterrupted. I can read, mindlessly. I can get inspired, motivated, reassured. I can start my own blog entries and not post them :)

And then, when I am good and ready to turn in, I can choose an empty bed...in a room not my own...and pray a prayer that I get a stretch of sleep that lasts more than 3 hours.

Cause that, too, is a new mothers dream :)

I'm this way...

I am tired...and wondering where I'm supposed to "clock out" when I want to take my lunch break...

So many times I've come here to write and so many times I've left without writing.  I am here again.  I shall write.

I'm in a bit of a fog.  A stop and go, if you will.  I've heard the reference a couple of times recently of "being stuck in your own head".  I do believe I am.  It's not all bad.  I'm stuck in here, mostly, but I'm learning to navigate...learning to open the window once in a while and peer out at the world.  Learning that there is indeed a world to peer out and look at.  And it's not all bad either.

Keplar is doing well.  So strong...and brave...and still so stinkin' cute.  He saves my life nearly every day with his multitude of smiles.  I can't get enough.  Really.  I can't.  He gives me a thousand things to be thankful for, a million times over.  Really.  He does.

He goes SMACK, SMACK with those palms on the wood floor as he moves about on all fours.  Then he lets out an excited shriek from deep within his chambers and pushes himself back and sits.  He looks around and finds me and then he's off again with the SMACK, SMACK.  

His hair is just perfect and his skin is the softest gift and his eyes pull me toward him.  I can't help but grab him and squeeze him and love him over and over again, all day long. 

Yes, my days are still filled with only Keplar.  He is still my dictator.  I am still in awe of his very existence.  :) 

I'm gonna take a break here for a while.  Not sure how long I'll be gone...but I WILL be back :)

Go To Sleep, Sweet Baby

I came across a poem in blogland and I loved this tiny piece of it:  

the burden of drawing you near
to lull you to sleep
is truly, more honestly
the gift you bestow me
my audacity to think otherwise
leaves me reticent

How beautiful.  It does feel burdensome at times...the lulling to sleep...whether it be day or night.  But what a beautiful task it is.  And how blessed I am to have been given the gift of such a sweet boy to do it for.  

No, I didn't have another child.  

But Kep and I did babysit the other day.  

Funny, they both like to be held...at the same time.

We survived.  

But I have a new respect for all you moms out there with more than one child :)

there is only ONE way to carry the laundry AND the babe up the stairs.

Impossible!

I used to have a number of different titles...Student, Server, Potential Dietitian, Researcher, Wife, Writer, Volunteer, Reader, Runner, Pack Leader, Lover, Toilet Scrubber, Errand Runner, Dreamer, Su Doku Solver, Landscaper, Dancer, Wellness Seeker, Fridge Filler, Dinner Party Hostess, Coffee Shop Frequenter, Friendly Neighbor, Best Damned Housekeeper Ever, Wine Drinker, and sometimes I even called myself a Friend. But now I'm Mom, and all those other titles are either MIA or barely hangin' on. But they all linger in my memory and lately it's as if they've formed an alliance in the shape of an anvil and they are bearing down on my very being. I'm trapped underneath, writhing, and I want to shout, "I'm a Mom now, so BACK OFF...can't you see I have more important fish to fry!!" Incidentally, I don't think fish should ever be fried.

So yeah, pressure. You wouldn't believe the pressure. I feel like I'm so behind and I'll never get to all those other things that used to grossly devour my attention. I want them back. I want to make some room, but I'm having trouble finding it.

The bright side? Is there one? Yes, absolutely. The bright side of this is that while I'm writhing underneath that anvil of lost priorities, I'm simultaneously protecting our precious babe. He's such a wonder. And so incredibly sweet. And now, my first priority. You might even say, the way things have been going, my only priority.

I just need to figure out how to break up that anvil into manageable pieces so that I can slowly begin to reclaim those parts of me that help to make me ME.

I'm looking into going back to school this fall. The classes are full, but I might be able to wiggle my way in. But it's not that easy. See, I want to be a student...but not while I'm a mom. And I want to be a mom, but not while being a student. Trouble is, now that I'm a mom EVERYTHING I do will be simultaneous to Mothering. I just can't see it. I don't know HOW.

Kinda makes me want to scream. Or run far away.

Or eat ice cream while watching Arrested Development till I figure it all out :)

The Good Stuff

We've fed Kep some "real food" (cause breastmilk is obviously not real or food) a couple of times. He's had brown rice, banana, and avocado.

It's really messy.

So messy, in fact, that we probably won't do it anymore.

I'll probably just feed him from the boob until he can quietly manuever a spoon without falter :)

I can't fold a fitted sheet to save my life.

The end.

The Run

I was feeling not so normal today.  Some dizziness, a little lightheadedness, and waves of heat sporadically visited my chambers.  Well, for the most part I felt fine but then sometimes I'd feel the aforementioned.  

So, I told Ben.  He suggested I call into work and just rest.  I chuckled and shrugged off the thought.  But then he suggested it again a bit later...said we should just relax and claim the long weekend for ourselves.  

So, I called in.  and suddenly felt better :)  We had a beer and, after putting Ben down for a nap, Kep and I had our way with the jogging stroller, a pair of running shoes, and the solid pavement outside.  We ran and ran and ran!  Boy, did we ever run!  We passed driveway after driveway, as if the pavement was giving way and crumbling just behind us.  We were speedy, we made haste...we were lassoing the wind as it came at us and yanking it to it's knees, stomping it into the ground.  My heavy breath was like the strollers motor, getting faster with each step.  

Kep couldn't have been happier.

We smelled lilacs and cherry blossoms in bloom.  Our noses were delighted with the fragrance of fresh cut grass, hot wet pavement, and a sprinklers' chlorine mist.

My chest was tight and my legs exhausted, but I pushed on.  On and on until I knew we'd gone at least one miles...maybe a little more.

We arrived home and Ben was still asleep (he's such a good napper!) and so I lulled Kep to sleep and I'm gonna have myself a shower.  A shower, people!  That's two showers in two days!  Amazing, really. 

We'll have to figure something out for dinner, now that I'm home this eve.  One things for sure, we can't eat out at my place of employment :)    

Six months of CRAZY bliss

Six months yesterday.  Six months of smiling at him.  Six months of finally using those parts of my brain reserved for motherhood (motherhood parts of the brain are found smashed betwix the parts for bird-calling and syncronized swimming).  Six months of loving on a brand new, custom made human being.  

As always, I'm at a loss for words.

Our lives are so different now.  And I want desperately for all of this to be easy for us, but it's not.  It's so complicated and difficult.  And rewarding.  

So, what can he do at six months??  Does he have teeth?  No.  Is he crawling yet?  No.  Is he at least getting up on all fours?  No.  Have you started feeding him solids?  No.  Is he sleeping through the night?  No.  Has he stopped throwing up all the time?  No.  

But he's SO beautiful :)  

And perfect :)

And right where he should be with all of his gross and motor development.  And he smiles A TON.  He is so happy!  

He's putting EVERYTHING in his mouth...even my face, if I let him :)  He's scooting backwards during "tummy time".  He's using his voice all day long...especially the shrieks and screams.  He loves the bath.  And the dogs...he LOVES the dogs!  I'm a little worried for Indy and Chuck once Kep can get around on his own, though they love getting close to him too!  

Kep's eyes are still blue/grey.  His legs are ham hocks.  His hair is long enough to style :)  Sometimes he sports a faux-hawk, if the mood strikes :)  He is very strong, for such a little babe.  

He's very needy.  Not sure if it's exacerbated with the coming of teeth, but his neediness lately is much greater.  He's been nursing every couple hours during the night.  That could very well be due to a growth spurt too.  Whatever it is, it's difficult.  

Motherhood, thus far, is the most difficult, most rewarding thing I've ever done.  

Tulip Time

Kep loves our dogs...so when the Tulip Time festival came around, we thought we'd take him to see the animals.  He loved it!!  The best part though...his sunglasses :)  He's just so stinkin' cute in 'em!!

My Day

Five and a half months into it.  

I swear he's puked more than one thousand times thus far.  

He's the cutest thing I've ever seen.  Ever.

He makes me crazy.  Like, really crazy.

And he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.  Mostly.

What's the big idea with Mother's day anyways?  

Why did I want to spend it by myself?  

Instead, I spent it being a Mother...to the most curious, beautiful, heavy, shrieking, smiley, soft, cuddly, precious little baby boy.  

He melts my heart.  He's buried my soul deep within him. 

My energy flows into him, easily.

I'm captured.

Everyone should know these things...

I love our delicious little boy more than I ever thought the world would allow.  

I can't get enough of Smarties lately.  I eat way too many everyday.  I pride myself on being able to taste the different flavors.  I love the greens.

I logged into WMU's website two days ago just to check when fall registration opens.  I like being ahead of the game, you know?  So I was just checking so that I'd be ready.  Registration opened back in March.  Both classes are full.  And not just full, people...they have already taken extra students.  I think subconsciously I like making more work for myself.  It's gonna be a bear trying to get in now.

I would please like two hours in a coffee shop.  

I need a shower...bad.  Or badly.  One of the two, anyways.  Or both. 

I think it's okay to wear make-up.  I also think it's okay not to wear make-up.  But it's a damn shame that so many women won't leave the house without make-up on.  Or, they leave the house without make-up on and then feel unpretty because of it.  

Keplar looks like he can kick some ass when he wears his camo pants.  And that is the reason I put him in them. 

I currently have a toe infection and/or fungus and it totally grosses me out.  Doc says they might take the nail off after summer.  Gross.  

I am not okay with the way my tummy looks/feels since the baby.  I want my old tummy back.  I will probably still wear a two piece bathing suit and there will be whispers about the fact that I shouldn't.  Cause we are only supposed to show our tummies if they are tight and without excess fat/skin.  Society sucks.

I went for my first run yesterday since having Keplar!!!  It was pathetic...but I did it :)  

I'm still not over the fact that I had a cesarean.  I'm also seriously considering a homebirth next time.  Seriously.  

I love sunsets and I plan on seeing lots of 'em this summer :)  And I'm also gonna go to the lake a ton.  Not sure yet what "a ton" looks like, but it's gonna be a lot!  

I miss writing/blogging/journaling/reading dearly.  I wish I had more time for those things that fill me up.

Keplar fills me up though :)  He is seriously the cutest thing ever!

I could go on and on...but I won't.  Thanks for staying and reading :)

    

I'm busy lurking other places...

Sure liked this.  Yep, sure did.

Oh...and stay a minute to hear the song.  It too is something I like.

There are clothes to be folded.  A desk full of clutter to be organized.  A pan to scrub.  Laundry to fold...and a load to wash.  Floors to clean.  A bathroom to sanitize.  A bed that needs making.  Sheets that need changing.  Dogs that need to be brushed...and bathed.  Windows to wash.  A counter top to wipe.  Food to be put away.  Drawers to slide shut.  Bags to put in their place.  Chairs to scoot back under the table.  A sweater to fold.  Applications to fill out.  Information that needs to be gathered.  Mail to bring in.  Carpet and rugs to vacuum.  Toys to pick up.  Bills to file.  

Etc., etc., etc....

I'm not doing any of them...and I'm still doing a pretty damn good job!! 

I've been in a quiet place, of sorts.  It's not a bad place, just a reflective place.  It's that place that you settle into after a month of travelling.  It's that place that you find yourself in when someone close to you dies.  It's that place that is sadly comfortable but muddy and unpleasant.  I'm not really sure how to get my life going again...not sure which direction I was going in the first place.  

I've had a lot on my mind.  Kind of questioning my faith a bit (funny how death will do that).  Reprimanding myself for all that I'm not keeping up with.  I've missed a doctors appointment, left the vet without paying, and late on sending out a gift for a loved one.  I'm getting baby advice from all angles while trying to keep true to what I feel in my heart.  

I've been thinking a lot about something my father said during one of our conversations.  I said, "I don't know how Mom did it...having a baby with three other little ones running around".  And he replied with, "You know, she was just really good at being a mom".  

I want to be really good at being a mom.  I keep thinking about this and what it means to be "really good at being a mom".

So here I am, in this place that is slow and dim and kind of keeping me from the realities of the everyday.  My mind just isn't completely in it yet.  Something is holding me back.  It's all the thinking and dreaming and quiet reflecting.  

I'm sure I'll start swimming again soon, but for now I'm just kinda treading some still, murky water. 

One Week

Things that were said over the past week:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"They said she had an hour and she lasted eight."

"I don't want to go through that house."

"It just doesn't seem right."

"Aunt Maryann made the best fishlips."

"She didn't like getting her picture taken."

"She was a people person."

"How's your mom doing?"

"I wanted to put a pillow over her face."

"Come on Maryann...don't be scared...just let go."

"It's just strange to think that we'll never see her again." 

"She wasn't ready.  She didn't want to die."

"She cried during the entire closing ceremonies last year at the 3day."

And my favorite...during a conversation that Aunt Maryann had with a priest in regards to seeing her parents in heaven...

"Will I recognize them?"

I still think that 51 is too young to die...and I still don't understand why He insisted on creating cancer...but I feel blessed to have had my Aunt in my life and am glad that she isn't suffering any longer.  

I feel sad for you.

I hope that you have that one person to lean on and cry to.

Life isn't fair.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope that someone you love and trust tries to peel back on that tough exterior to find out how you are truly feeling right now.

I can't begin to imagine how scared you might be.  This makes me scared for you.

I wish upon every star and pray to everyone's God that you are comfortable as you go.

I pray for your peace. 

I hope you have someone to cry with.

I hope you don't feel alone.

I have prayed to God that you feel him hugging you with all his heart.  

I hope to God that someone tells you that you are not alone.

You might feel so alone.  I don't want you to feel alone.

I can't imagine how you feel.

It just breaks my heart.

You don't deserve this.

You will be so missed.