Right Now

Not sure where this day has gone.  Not sure where any of them have gone.   They tumble at me, one by one...and I spend some time in them doing mindless things, purposeful things, profound things, lovely things...and then they go, each one follows the last.  They follow each other out of my life, single file, and then they mesh together so that I can't really put my finger on any one day.  I can't quite remember what I did or when I did it.  Was it Saturday?  Or was it Wednesday?  They feel the same in my memory.  They feel the same while I'm floating through them.

I've decided, only recently, that I have the best job in the world.  And I am barely just tasting it.  I'm just beginning to feel the water with my toes.  Just getting a little sprinkle of my life ahead.  What will it look like next year...next week...tomorrow?  

Just when I think it can't get any better than this...today meshes with yesterday and I find myself floating in the Present...and I look around, and I consider my job...and it feels purposeful, and profound, and lovely.    

The Writer in Me

I've been a mom now for eight weeks...and I have nothing to write about.  Nothing is screaming to exit my brain.  Could it be that I'm still adjusting?  I mean, you'd think I'd have run into all kinds of issues by now.  Or, that I have had hundreds of revelations upon entering this new chapter...no, new book, of my life.  I should have so much to say, so much to write about.

But I don't.  

I think it's because I have this urge to write.  Like, it's all I wanna do.  I WANT to write.  And now I can't.  Can't think of anything.  

Apparently, having a baby has wiped my slate clean.  

I mean, I'll be sitting there, nursing, and I'll get to thinking...and then I get this urge to write (yes, as if I were a "writer"), but I can't write cause I'm nursing...and then I'm not nursing anymore and the boy is asleep (such is my current situation) and I want to write, like really bad, and I can't.  Yep, I said it...I CAN'T.  

I'm trying right now, you see.

My brain is mush.

The end.

Our Little Man

He is 7 weeks old, this past Friday.  Around Christmas time he began making TRUE eye contact and smiling!!  As a mom who has literally been staring at her baby for 7 weeks, I absolutely LIVE for those moments that he stares back and smiles.  He also "coo's".  It's all so FABulous, and makes my days complete.  I love him so dearly...I'm just sayin'.

So, without further ado...I give you Keplar (again)...

Empty

I've been sleeping on my side out of habit from when I was pregnant.  For some reason last night I took up my ol' mainstay of sleeping on my back.  I surprised myself after I was situated, looking up at the ceiling, because it wasn't premeditated.  So I found myself laying there...in bed...on my back...with my hands situated just so on my belly.  Except this time they weren't able to carress a round, swelling surface of tight skin.  Instead, my hands felt enormous and my belly felt so flat and void underneath.  My skin, so thin and floppy.  It felt as if I could deflate what little was left inside...like, I could push down until all the air left and I could feel my spine underneath.  My thoughts immediately drifted to our son in the next room, so peacefully sleeping.  The feeling was a little sad as I, for the first time, realized how separate we now were.  He in his crib, me in my bed.  Completely separate beings...in separate rooms...falling asleep at our own times...dreaming separate dreams.

I think I'd been looking at him for the past six weeks as still a part of me.  His skin was my skin and his blood was my blood.  I'd look at him and see a tiny being built by cells from my body.  And though that all may hold truth, there is also truth in that we are no longer one.  We are two.  And I no longer breathe for him.  He breathes on his own.  

And so I felt a little sad...and a little empty as I lay there last night.  Sad and empty, but in a "matter of fact" kind of way.  I wasn't upset and I certainly don't want to go back to being pregnant again.  I love that he is separate from me so that I can look at him and see him smile.  It just happened to become a reality for me as I lay in bed...on my back.